hiks hiks ... so sad!! from lots of plan that i have for today, there's not even one that i do!! so many things happened, one of my aunts is having a cancer on her breast, and she might gonna need an operation to lift it up..

got an email from kir. she is so helpful, and thoughtful too. i cant believe that she actually wrote back. i thought she was to busy to do so. she's right, basicly i am the kind of person who cares for so many things for so many reasons. most of all, i do care for my surroundings, and that includes my family, friends and myself. i cant get away with it. i guess it's my character. even though i tried to do the opposite, i keep being dragged to do the right thing. i cant get away from what my deepest being feels.

trying to add a few things here and there on this blog, but never really seems to get it all right on place. michelle is so cool! i suppose she made her own site all by herself. at least she can add things on without really damaging the other features. she's so cool. i read her blog yesterday. it hits me in a way. it's like i'm reading my own life! i'm not saying that what happens in her life is exactly the same like mine, with all those work probs and all ... but in a way, there's this same line of atmosphere on what happens in her life and mine. i guess, i need to email her about this. maybe it'll help or maybe not.

i miss hanging out with my girlfriends!!

doin' nothing today. just playing 'wheel of fortune' on msn, and searching for books through barnes and noble. planning to go for a jogg with mom, but never really make it in the morning, [giggle]..

tomorrow is saturday! the last day on november 2003. i have plans with my high school friends, with residu. we gonna gather up at ajeng's house. i hope she still lives there. it might gonna be a fun weekend, no one knows.

i've been trying to keep my emotions on place. no space for flash backs, no place for missing someone. simply no place for up-and down emotions. cause i know it can kill me slowly but sure.

downloaded some beautiful slow songs. i got lene marlin, have a little faith in my by mandy moore, and what a wonderful world by louis armstrong. i might even going to search for classical music. i need calm songs to calm myself down. music always works for me.

hey! i'm going to get myself relaxed for these 2 days ahead. i'll just go with the flow..
kinda miss my 'incubus' ... the one that got lost at .... NEVER MIND!!



sometimes i cant really see if the picture is good or not. since i lost 'red' in my monitor :( hiks hiks

It's public holiday today. Idul Fitri, where Muslim's celebrate their back to purity thing. But for spesific people, I wonder how they can celebrate today, but still go on hurting others afterwards. How can they sleep at night? When I think of it, I got so upset. Why?

:: Beautiful // Christina Aguilera ::

...
No matter what we do
No matter what we say
We're the song inside the tune
Full of beautiful mistakes
And everywhere we go
The sun will always shine
And tomorrow we might awake on the other side

Cause we are beautiful
No matter what they say
Yes words won't bring us down, no
We are beautiful in every single way
Yes words can't bring us down
So don't you bring me down today
...

Sigh! One of disc full of favourite pics is ruined! It always shows an instruction to reformat it. Huh!!! I need some distraction from my negative thoughts. I wish I can vaccumed it away!! I guess, in a way I feel this insecure feeling inside. Since I cant understand why I'm always being the one who helped and got left behind.

"Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the LORD thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest."
- Joshua 1:9

The only verse that's suck in my mind real good. Thank God for TBN' newsletter...

Is it a foolish thing to love without being loved back? Jedi’s girlfriend is in town. My assumption was right. When I woke up this morning, I feel something bad is going to take place, so I prayed to God. I said that I know whatever happened today; it’s still in His control. I can’t believe this is what happens next.

I cried. Yes, I did cry again. I can’t take away those lonely and awful thought with my own strength, so while crying, I prayed for comfort. The next thing I know, I fell asleep. Woke up still sad, but a lot better. Even though it hurt so much, I can still feel that a part of me is smiling inside.

Yesterday was so great. Jedi picked me up at campus and drove me to church. We had so much fun. Teasing and tickling each other. We had so many good laughs. Thank You Jesus. Even if the whole world is turning upside down, Your love and promises still remain.

Time: 4:31 PM
Where do you go, when the stars go blue?

:: When The Stars Go Blue // The Corrs featuring Bono ::

Dancin' where the stars go blue
Dancin' where the evening fell
Dancin' in your wooden shoes
In a wedding gown

Dancin' out on 7th street
Dancin' through the underground
Dancin' little marionette
Are you happy now?

Where do you go when you're lonely
Where do you go when you're blue
Where do you go when you're lonely
I'll follow you
When the stars go blue, blue
When the stars go blue, blue
When the stars go blue, blue
When the stars go blue

Laughing with your pretty mouth
Laughing with your broken eyes
Laughing with your lover's tongue
In a lullaby

Where do you go when you're lonely
Where do you go when you're blue
Where do you go when you're lonely
I'll follow you
When the stars go blue, blue
When the stars go blue, blue
When the stars, when the stars go blue, blue
When the stars go blue
When the stars go blue, blue, blue
Stars go blue
When the stars go blue

Where do you go when you're lonely
Where do you go when you're blue, yeah
Where do you go when you're lonely
I'll follow you, I'll follow you, I'll follow you
I'll follow you, I'll follow you, yeah
Where do you go, yeah
Where do you go, Where do you go

Love this beautiful song. I feel rather lonely since what happened yesterday. In some stage, I feel like I'm comin' back to this solitude moments. Nobody is meant to be alone, and that includes me. So how come I need to spend more time waiting than anybody else? I wonder what God is preparing me for? I dont believe in coincedence, so there's gotta be a purpose in this thing ...

If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it

I guess I have to keep on trusting Him, to get me through this misty lonely feeling ...

wont believe what happened. i think ervand's girl is sms me from his cell number. and she told me not to sms or contact him anymore. so i reply and said 'sip'. after that, he keep on calling me. well, cant be sure who's the one who's trying to call me. it can be either him or her. i reject it for 3/4 times.

i asked him out today, and he told me that he's playing soccer, and around 8pm he'll sms me. but then, he didnt even try to contact me, so i went home. then, when i just arrived home, not even there to unlock my door lock, his car passed by. i know for sure, it's his car. but it didnt stop... then that sms came in..

what a day?!

whatever!!!

Praise God!!

I went to church 3 times today! First was at 9am, second was at 4pm, and the last one was at 7pm with tista. Met ervand, he have a new haircut, and it is good. Anyway, I finally talked to him. We discussed the WHOLE thing! Yups.. the whole thing and nothing but the thing!! And thank God, He did help me out. And things are fine now between us two. Nothing more to say, but Thank You Lord Jesus!!!

I miss my Jedi so bad. so so bad ...

Where are you now?
Now that I need you ...
Tears on my pillow
Where ever you go
Cry me a river
That leads me to your ocean
You'll never see me fall apart
In a words of a broken heart

It's just emotions, taking me over

>>Emotions<<



The lonely chair
on the beach
sunset [or is it not?]

Went out with Jedi today. Told him everything thta happened for the last few days. I cant bare to see his sad face. Even though he might didn't show it clearly, but I can see that he's pretty shaken. I can understand why ...

He listened to my stories, he held me in his arms. He kissed my forehead, my eyes, and cheeks. He hugged me so tight. I can understand why ...

His wounded heart, his dreams and hopes. His sad inner being, and I can understand why.

He broke his fast, he kissed me. But his sadness and broken hearted still vibrates thru his kisses. And I can understand why ...

Time went by, he's still there. With me. His hug were almost like one of those last hugs to give. And I can understand why ...

This is too much to bare and think about. He drove me home, still with a sad look. Plus mine too!! I dont know how to act, what to say. Shut the door of my room, turn on the comp, listen to Third Day, Mary Mary and Nicole. Then my tears started to rundown my cheeks. I just cant comprehend my own feelings. I've known him too long to let him go or walking out of my life. It's true ... he's a part of me automatically.

Then he called from his house...
And the time stood still ...
I can understand why ...

I miss that guy a lot. What is wrong with me? Even his best friend told me that I shouldn't put my hopes too high. Why? Why do I always make mistakes when I almost get to the top? Why do I have to be so silly and stubborn? When will I ever learn that it slows me down, and it'll make me stay down. Dear Indy, when will you ever learn??

You won't know and realize what you got till it's gone ...



All my present hopes and dreams flew away, so high ... i cant even reach it no more ...

Heart to heart, mind to mind, soul to soul—this is intimacy. There is relational intimacy, where two people become soul mates, free to openly share all their burdens, fears, and joys with each other. Then there is intimacy with God, where we learn to understand the very heart of God. As we do this, all other intimacy takes on new and even greater meaning. God created us for intimacy, we are lonely people longing for relationship. The risks are worth the rewards.

Knowing that you need someone when they're gone is the hardest thing to get thru. And I'm having that right now. Well, about 2 to 3 days ago, I dont know why, but I miss him. [I dont wanna mention his name]. I know it's a stupid thing to feel inside. more over when things are already too late for that. I just thought, that my life will go on, but it seems like God tells me to wait a little longer and learn new and important things along the way. People told me to talk straight to him, but some of them also told me to just keep it to myself. Honestly, I'm gonna go with 'talk to him' straight, and ask him what's wrong between us. But I cant find the way to contact him. It seems so hard. It's like he's making himself unreachable. My other thoughts tells me that he might already have another girl to after ... And I hate to think of it. WHY??!! How men can sometimes be so cruel and cold hearted??!! Have they ever heard of second chance??

Anyway, I just got this from Greenpeace. I think some of us needs to read it..


:: Greenpeace Campaigns, Read It! ::